Still trying, always trying

Alright guys, I've lost 14 pounds since restarting to focus. I have 21 pounds to go until I get back into fresh weight loss territory.

What has been working: Trying to live a normal life while making as healthy of choices as possible. What this means:

Learning what it looks like to eat well. Generally, for me, this entails:

• No processed snacky food
• No dried/boxed or fast food meals ever
• No white bread, rice, crackers, processed cereal, etc.
• No potatoes
• Almost no super sweet fruit (bananas, pineapples)
• No candy, cupcakes, muffins, brownies, cookies
• No sugary coffee, pop or cocktails
• No sitting around and binge eating a bowl of salty buttered popcorn the size of a kiddie pool just to numb the pain (I kid, or do I)

But it might be better to look at a typical good day:

Egg whites with vegetables and a bit of cheese for breakfast

Coffee with a no-cal sweetener (I KNOW) and lots of skim milk

A couple 16-oz glasses of water through the morning

Some combo of celery, pea pods, or grape tomatoes, plus a string cheese, a hummus snack, a Laughing Cow light wedge, a guacamole snack, or a spoon of nut butter at around 10:00 a.m.

3-5 ounces of chicken or pork tenderloin (we'll cook it at dinner the night before), plus a cup or two of mixed vegetables and sometimes beans for lunch, with a glass of water, at around 1:00 p.m.

Sometimes (ok, usually) another cup of coffee in the afternoon

Another couple 16-oz glasses of water

Sometimes an apple or a pear or more raw vegetables with cheese/hummus/guac for an afternoon snack at around 2:30 p.m.

Sometimes a bowl of kale salad (the pre-bagged kind from Costco is my favorite, and sometimes I add a few craisins and pumpkin seeds and/or crumbled feta) with some sweet poppy seed dressing, or a couple slices of turkey lunch meat, or a string cheese as an after-work snack at around 4:30 p.m.

And then dinner is always 6-10 oz. (a ton) of lean meat (chicken breast, pork loin or tenderloin, beef sirloin, or 93/7 ground turkey), usually cooked on the grill in some way (or a roast, or a stir fry, or stuffed peppers or a meatloaf), with a whole ton of fresh steamed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, green beans or asparagus), OR roasted vegetables (brussels sprouts, zucchini, summer squash, mushrooms, onion, rainbow bell peppers, whatever we have), or sauteed spinach or cabbage. It's so much protein and so many vegetables. A few times a week we add brown rice. On other occasions, we have a bit of whole wheat pasta, but not as often anymore. I have Crystal Light, water, or sometimes diet pop or red wine with dinner.

And then, some time before bed, I get to have a treat. It's almost always a mint chocolate chip Yasso frozen yogurt bar. These are the best things in the world.

And in there, we fit in special meals. We have traveled on road trips a couple times, and we've managed to maintain our progress by ordering carefully and being prepared. We make plans to spend one meal, or one day, choosing to eat outside of our established meal plan (Valentine's Day dinner at a steakhouse we love, or our good friends' wedding celebration, for instance). We'll indulge for that day or evening, and we'll eat the desserts and drink the booze too, and the next morning, we'll get right back to it at breakfast.

I'm repairing some damage I did at that wedding, but it shouldn't take me too long if I keep living right.

Oh, I'm trying to incorporate exercise and meditation into this, too. I'm trying hypnotherapy also. It's actually been a real benefit. I've learned that no one program or product that exists and is bought and sold on the diet market is the single right one for me. Following South Beach perfectly, or Weight Watchers perfectly, is not my answer. I've also learned to step back from competition with others (including my husband, who is wildly successful at melting pounds away). And I've learned to think through my choices -- love myself more -- and actually see myself as a successful, fearless person who isn't terrified to fail. And I've learned that I don't have to be perfect in order to deserve self care. And if I'm not perfect, I also don't deserve punishment. All of these are kind of major revelations.

So I'm not tracking points (though I did rejoin Weight Watchers one day, and I bought a 3-month plan, but I didn't like it, and now they have SO MUCH of my money), and I'm not counting calories on MyFitnessPal, and I'm not allowing myself to obsess. I can't. I'm just trying to go moment by moment and make the choices that I deserve to make. That's it. I don't meditate every day and I definitely don't exercise every day, but I am going to get better. And I'm going to do OK!

Give It Away Now

Out of my big batch of muffins, only three were left at the end of the day. I said aloud that I didn't want to bring any of them home, and a coworker asked if she could have the rest for her mother. YES, WOMAN! YES! I put 'em in a Ziploc and shoved them her way.

NO MORE CHOCOLATE CHIPS IN MY HOUSE! Woo hoo!

Today while working out: Data refused a direct order from Commander Riker, because he suspected that the machines that would be destroyed in the process of following said order were actually intelligent life forms. Picard spoke one line to him at the episode finale, and I cried: "That was the most human decision you've ever made." The tiny twitch in Brent Spiner's face, the blink of his eyes, oh God, my heartstrings.

I have soreness in my... chest? What are these strange non-muscles of mine? I think it's from the dumbbell bench presses I did. Should be interesting to see what sorenesses wait until tomorrow!

I hope I haven't made a huge mistake (regarding baked goods)

I skipped book club last night! I hated the book, my husband hated the book, and we just couldn't partake in a discussion with people who might have liked it. Closed minded of us, yes. Instead, we spent the evening picking it apart hilariously, and I enjoyed our time together.

That freed up a couple hours, though, and I didn't know what to do with myself. My husband had cleaned the kitchen, so I take that as a blank slate for kind of whipping something up. I had eight (8) overripe bananas, plus a bag and a half of chocolate chips, that I absolutely NEEDED to get out of my house. So I made some muffins.

I realize that baked goods aren't a great idea right now. I do feel glad that I brought them to work. We ate the broken or squished ones last night, which I tracked on MFP, and today they've gone over extremely well with my coworkers. I think everyone has had at least one, many people have had a couple (better them than me), and they've all thanked me for baking them. I used half olive oil and half nonfat Greek yogurt instead of melted butter, and I used natural whole wheat flour, and I don't think it harmed them at all. But if you add that much chocolate to anything, it's probably going to taste pretty good. I was happy to learn that my coworkers actually do appreciate healthy treats instead of junk food all the time.

Anyway, it's lunch time, so off to the little gym I go.

Gym Adventure Postponed

I worked up the courage to go to my new gym yesterday, I really did. I put on the right clothes, got in my car, and figured out how to get there.

But when I arrived, I was greeted by a sign at the front door that said the pool and the fitness center are closed for their annual cleaning. Blast it!

WHY?!?!?

I was totally disappointed, but as I drove back home again, I figured I'd stop by another gym that's on the way. It's gigantic and intimidating, and I'd never set foot in there before. I knew I wouldn't end up joining, but I asked for a tour anyway. That's the sort of place you have to sell your soul to, though. My community center is so much friendlier and less pressure, plus it's not all meatheads pumping iron like at the big place. I don't want all that. As I ran out the front door, before I gave the sales guy a chance to give me the hard pitch, I was literally chased out into the parking lot. "Hey, miss lady!" Let me purchase your soul. I yelled back, "I'm sorry! It's okay!" No idea why I felt the need to apologize.

At least I did my regular workout at lunchtime yesterday, instead of telling myself I'd just do it at the gym in the evening, because that didn't work out at all. I did another one at lunch today, and I'm afraid it was a little too much. Immediately afterward, I felt like a bowl full of jelly. I ended up googling strength training for beginners, so I did something on some Men's Workout website, and OOF! It hurt. Well, I shouldn't say that -- it's not pain, exactly, just regular old weakness. I hope tomorrow I can lift my arms.

Sweaty from today's strength training attempt

I woke up this morning and weighed myself for the first time in a long time. It was pretty bad. Honestly, I feel like, "I've been on this diet for 2 whole days now. Why I am I still fat?" HOW do I kick this mentality?

I'm definitely going back to the community center gym tomorrow. Today I have book club, plus I still feel like Gumby after my lunch hour strength training session. I will have fulfilled my goal of going to that gym twice this week -- it's a shame that the first time didn't really count. But I am not giving up! Never surrender!

Day Two Today

Today while working out: Commander Riker's arm was severed and reattached, unbeknownst to him. Then, a beautiful blonde intern showed up on the ship, and Riker walked her to her quarters, where she wished for puppies, who appeared, then she wished them gone, and they vanished.

Remember, I get to see only the second half of a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, then the first five minutes of a second episode. It brings me great joy, though. I watch it with closed captions on so I can make sure to get the full effect. Ahh I love it.

I did the elliptical for 30 minutes today with rotating low/high intensity intervals. It's funny, I haven't been really sore from working out in a while (even while working with my trainer, it was kind of rare for me to really feel it the next day or two), but today I feel definite muscle soreness in my upper inner thighs. It's either from the squats I did yesterday or the step up knee raises. But the pushups and the dumbbell rows and the bent over side lateral raises did not do it. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Wonder if I need to work harder. This is all a mystery to me.

What am I doing?

I don't know what to do tomorrow. I figured I'd try strength training exercises on Monday, Wednesday and Friday with my elliptical workouts on Tuesday and Thursday. So I did some stuff yesterday, but I don't know if I should do the same or different stuff tomorrow, or if I should do the same muscles but different exercises, or if I need to give stuff a break or what. Somebody help me out! (Okay, I'll google it.)

I had a good night last night. I went grocery shopping and to the dentist after work, so that filled up a bunch of time, and then after dinner I went to bed without snacking. Couch snacking is a tough habit to break. Hopefully self control and discipline on a continued basis will make it easier as time goes by.

I know I need to focus on getting through today without letting myself get overwhelmed with the future, but I am worried about this weekend. I have an overnight fun trip with my husband on Friday-Saturday, and car and hotel snacking always gets me down. I need to really focus on staying in control. Boredom does not require eating. I gotta remember that. "Vacation" happens frequently enough that I can't use it as an excuse!

Thinking of going to the community center gym after work today!!! I packed fresh gym clothes for it, so I have no good reason not to! NERVOUS!!!

Trying New Things: Almond Milk

I went grocery shopping last night, and on a whim, I bought a thing of unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

I have tried almond milk in the past, but back then, I added it to a slow cooker steel cut pumpkin oatmeal recipe and could not tell the difference. (Looking back, I shamefully let the rest of that almond milk go to waste, I think.) This time, I thought I'd add it to my coffee just to see.

Why did I buy this product instead of my usual? I don't know, really. I was never a milk drinker, could not stand the stuff as a kid, and I still never pour a glass just to chug it down (shudder). But now, I don't mind it at all in cereal, and I add it to my coffee and lattes daily. I got in the habit of buying fat free milk, since around the time I started buying my own groceries, I was also a member of Weight Watchers (yeah, I've been at this for a while), and the program then leaned heavily toward low-fat or fat free dairy. So I still buy fat free cow milk, almost always organic, and I don't really think twice about it.

But I felt somehow pushed by a social wave to try almond milk, partly for its trend factor, and it's animal free, and I like almonds a lot, and partly (this is the bigger part) because it's half the calories of the cow milk.

So I poured out about 3/4 of a cup of it, warmed it up, stuck a lid on it and shook it til it foamed. Then I added a little more vanilla, dumped it in a mug, and poured in two shots of my beloved Nespresso espresso. This quick latte (with cow milk) is a treat that I enjoy on mornings when I have time for it. This time, with the almond milk, it was... too vanilla-y. Too chalky. Too weird. In short, it was kinda gross.

Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk Verdict: Thumbs Down.

After doing 2 minutes of internet reading, I have determined that the benefits of almond milk do not outweigh the benefits of regular old cow milk, and I think it's okay for me to return to the latter. In the meantime, what can I do with an almost full thing of almond milk? Pumpkin oatmeal for everybody?

Weight Loss Cycle of Motivation

I want to be perfect, and every time I inevitably screw up, I feel shame and guilt enough to beat myself up about it. Essentially I end up punishing myself for my failure and stupidity and weakness by giving up completely. This happens over and over again, and I have had an unhealthy relationship with food because of it. I soak up my "I'm a failure" attitude to the point where I just wallow in it, and I sit on the couch watching TV for hours on end surrounded by balled-up Hershey Kiss wrappers.

Every time I do this in my life, so far, this is what happens.

Working on getting past this is my struggle.