Weight Loss Cycle of Motivation

I want to be perfect, and every time I inevitably screw up, I feel shame and guilt enough to beat myself up about it. Essentially I end up punishing myself for my failure and stupidity and weakness by giving up completely. This happens over and over again, and I have had an unhealthy relationship with food because of it. I soak up my "I'm a failure" attitude to the point where I just wallow in it, and I sit on the couch watching TV for hours on end surrounded by balled-up Hershey Kiss wrappers.

Every time I do this in my life, so far, this is what happens.

Working on getting past this is my struggle.

I'm Surrounded by Tools

I'm surrounded by tools -- resources, that is, to make my life easier. I have absolutely no excuse not to succeed at my weight loss, fitness and wellness goals. 

My work gym is pretty cute.

Even our locker room is cute.

I work 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Friday, with two 15-minute breaks and a full hour for lunch daily. My office contains an adorable fitness center that is fully stocked with equipment. I can take a brisk walk during my breaks and get in a real 30-minute cardio or strength training workout during my lunch, every day, with enough time left to change clothes, freshen up, and eat my meal. 

Pretty cheerful, pre-workout.

My favorite thing about my work gym is that nobody is ever in there when I want to be in there. I cherish solitude when exercising. Someone else being in there changes everything.

My second favorite thing about my work gym is that I can watch Star Trek: The Next Generation during my lunch hour workout. I always catch the second half of one episode and the first five minutes of another. It's pretty awesome.

Star Trek wasn't on today, so I watched Bear Grylls. Spoiler: he gets up it.

Today I worked pretty hard. I started out on the elliptical for ten minutes, and then I did two rounds of a strength training circuit with some back/shoulders and quad/glute/hamstrings exercises. I was beet red.

All done!

But anyway, on top of all that, I get off work at 4 p.m. sharp, every day, and after my 30-minute drive, I have a full hour of time 100% to myself before my husband gets home. I don't have any kids or after work commitments. That's pure, unadulterated "me" time.

From January through May of 2015, I spent some of this time by spoiling myself and splurging on the services of a personal trainer. I'd go to her private gym straight after work and train for an hour, once or twice a week. At the time, I didn't feel like I was making any progress or doing very much. Looking back, though, I know that a.) getting into the habit of strength training and b.) learning a repertoire of strength training moves with proper form was absolutely worth it. I did lose weight and inches when I was training with her, but I didn't keep close track because I was trying to repair my obsession with the numbers on the scale. Personal training was hard and felt torturous (I'll never love working out), but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I can't really justify spending that kind of money forever without stopping, though, so I need to find a suitable substitute. The idea of joining a gym seems silly, since I have a gym at work. However, the work gym is not open outside of work hours, so my lunch break is really the only chance I have to do anything there, and the time I have is pretty limited, plus I'm always completely by myself. I've been a member of the Y before, but I didn't love it, and it's a little out of my way. I think I would like to take some classes that will give me a scheduled time I need to be there, plus a teacher to guide me. It's the second best thing to personal training, I'm guessing.

So I'm going to try my community center's gym. I was in there once to see a play in the auditorium, but the whole thing is pretty unfamiliar to me at this point. It's not in the world's most convenient location, but it's a nice neighborhood, and it's 11 minutes from my house. So my goal then, this week, is to get my ass in the community center gym TWO TIMES, and test it out the first day and join it the next day.

The more time I spend at the gym, the less time I'll spend sitting on my couch stuffing my face to numb the boredom. I've been thinking of joining the community center gym long enough! It's time to make it a reality. I've put it into words now, which makes this goal real. I have anxiety in my stomach about it, but I need to calm down and just do this. I will post soon to report back on my experience.

The First Day

In 60 days, I'm going to Mexico for a vacation in paradise.

I just went to Lake Huron for a beach weekend over Labor Day, and I have plenty of "before" pictures in my hot pink swimsuit. Am I disgusted with myself? No. I love and appreciate my body and its abilities. But am I proud of myself? No.

I have to ask myself how much progress I can make in 60 days. Two months, eight weeks. What can I do?

 I have to get it in my head that I will not give up if I am not perfect. So mistakes are allowed. Perfection is out the door.

What can I do every day? 
Log onto Myfitnesspal.
Get 10 minutes of activity.
Eat normal meals and snacks - no bingeing.
Eat a pre-planned breakfast and lunch. I know I can do that.

What would I like to do? 
Maintain a regular routine of progressive strength training.
Track my food each day and stay in my suggested range.
 Lose as much weight as possible (whoa, honest truth there, scary) -- as healthily as possible.
Stick to as low-carb as possible, as clean as possible eating. That means no junk food and avoidance of "treats." Kicking the habit of a treat every night -- gonna have to.

Right now the focus is going to be on getting my head right. I know I can do it as long as I want to badly enough.

So today is the first day of something. School, for many people. A life of healthy goodness, for me! I would like to write at least a little something in here every day to keep it top of mind, what I'm trying to do. So from here until November 7 -- let's see what progress I can make. I'm nervous and excited.